Should I Start a Long-Distance Relationship? A Values-Based Decision Framework
You've met someone wonderful, but geography stands between you. You're weighing whether the connection is worth the challenges of distance—the loneliness, the expense of visits, the uncertainty of when you'd be together permanently. Hope battles pragmatism.
Key Takeaway
This decision is fundamentally about Connection Quality vs. Future Clarity. Your choice will also impact your trust and security.
The Core Values at Stake
This decision touches on several fundamental values that may be in tension with each other:
Connection Quality
The strength and rarity of what you share. Consider whether this connection is special enough to justify the difficulty.
Future Clarity
Your shared vision for eventually being together. Distance is more bearable with a clear end date.
Trust and Security
Your ability to feel secure without daily physical presence. Distance amplifies both trust and insecurity.
Personal Independence
Your comfort with being alone and having separate lives. Distance requires thriving independently while connected.
Practical Resources
The time and money available for visits and communication. Distance relationships have real costs.
5 Key Questions to Ask Yourself
Before making this decision, work through these questions honestly:
- 1Is there a realistic path to closing the distance, and when?
- 2Are we both equally committed to making this work?
- 3Do I handle loneliness and uncertainty well?
- 4What evidence do I have that I can trust this person from afar?
- 5Am I idealizing this person because distance hides daily flaws?
Key Considerations
As you weigh this decision, keep these important factors in mind:
Watch Out For: Idealization Through Distance
Distance creates a fantasy version of your partner—you see curated versions during calls and visits, not the mundane reality of daily life together. It's easy to be your best self for a weekend visit. Before committing long-term, ensure you've spent enough continuous time together to know the everyday person.
Make This Decision With Clarity
Don't just guess. Use Dcider to calculate your alignment score and make decisions that truly reflect your values.
Download on the App StoreFrequently Asked Questions
Do long-distance relationships work?
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How do you maintain intimacy in a long-distance relationship?
When should you give up on a long-distance relationship?
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Should I End a Relationship?
You find yourself cycling through doubt—some days certain you should leave, others wondering if you're throwing away something valuable. The fear of making the wrong choice in either direction keeps you stuck. You wonder if relationships are supposed to be this hard, or if you're not trying hard enough.
Should I Move to a New City?
The pull of a new city comes with romantic notions of reinvention and adventure. But underneath the excitement lies real anxiety about leaving behind familiar places, established relationships, and the life you've built. You wonder if change will bring fulfillment or just new problems in an unfamiliar setting.
Should I Relocate for a Job?
A job offer in another city forces you to weigh competing priorities. The career opportunity might be exceptional, but uprooting your life—leaving friends, family, and familiar surroundings—feels daunting. You're trying to decide if this is the chance of a lifetime or a disruption you'll regret.
People Also Considered
Similar decisions in other areas of life:
Sources
- Jiang, L. C., & Hancock, J. T. (2013). Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder. Journal of Communication.doi:10.1111/jcom.12029
- Stafford, L., & Merolla, A. J. (2007). Idealization, Reunions, and Stability in Long-Distance Dating Relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.