Why Knowing Your Values Changes Everything

Most decision-making advice skips the most important step: knowing what you actually value.

You can have the best framework in the world, but if you're unclear on what matters to you, you'll optimize for the wrong things. You'll chase someone else's definition of success and wonder why achieving it feels empty.

The Values Clarity Problem

Ask yourself: what are your top five values? Not what should be your values—what actually drives your decisions when no one is watching?

Most people can't answer this quickly. We have vague notions ("family is important," "I care about success"), but vague notions don't help when you're choosing between two good options that pull in different directions.

A job with great pay but demanding hours. A relationship that's comfortable but not exciting. A city that's affordable but far from loved ones.

These decisions are hard precisely because they're value conflicts. And you can't resolve a value conflict if you haven't clarified your values.

Getting Specific

"I value family" is too vague. What does that mean, specifically?

• Being physically present for dinner every night?
• Being able to provide financially, even if it means more travel?
• Living close to extended family?
• Having flexibility to attend school events?

These are different things. They lead to different choices. The person who values "providing financially" might take the demanding job. The person who values "being present daily" might not.

Neither is wrong. But they'll make different decisions, and both can be "valuing family."

A Process That Works

Here's how to get clarity:

1. Look at past decisions you feel good about. Not decisions that worked out well—decisions where you feel at peace with the choice, regardless of outcome. What values were you honoring?

2. Look at past decisions you regret. Not because they failed, but because something felt off about making them. What values did you compromise?

3. Notice what makes you angry. Anger often signals violated values. If you get upset when people waste your time, you probably value efficiency. If you get upset when people are excluded, you probably value fairness.

4. Write them down and rank them. Force yourself to prioritize. When health conflicts with career, which wins? When security conflicts with adventure, which wins? These tradeoffs reveal your actual hierarchy.

Using Values in Decisions

Once you're clear on your values, decisions get simpler. Not easy—simpler.

For any significant choice, ask: "Which option better honors my top values?"

Sometimes the answer is obvious. Sometimes you realize both options conflict with what matters to you, and you need a third option. Sometimes you discover you've been pursuing something that doesn't actually align with what you care about.

All of this is useful. Clarity is useful, even when it's uncomfortable.

The Ongoing Work

Values aren't static. They shift as you move through life stages, have new experiences, and grow as a person. The 25-year-old prioritizing adventure and career growth might become the 40-year-old prioritizing stability and family.

Neither is wrong. But making decisions based on outdated values is a recipe for confusion.

Check in regularly. Are you still living according to what matters to you now? Or are you on autopilot, following a script you wrote years ago?

Knowing your values doesn't make decisions easy. But it makes them yours. And that's worth more than any framework.